Hello. My name is Ann Murray, and I am a lawyer who lives with depression. I am not alone.

Nationwide, research suggests that nearly 28% of attorneys experience depression, and about 19% live with anxiety.[1] Those numbers are troubling – but this isn’t a story about statistics. This is a story about one lawyer’s journey through the fog and weight of depression.

It is my story.

Over the years, this journal has published courageous, honest articles from attorneys dealing with addiction, like Scott B. Goode’s piece in December 2020.[2] I admire the courage it takes to speak openly about such personal battles. Today, I’m attempting to do the same – not to dwell on my own pain but to shine a light on a truth too many of us keep in the shadows: Mental illness is widespread in our profession, and the stigma around it must end.

THE EARLY YEARS

Becoming a lawyer didn’t cause my depression. I’ve wrestled with it since childhood. But I believe the stress, pace and constant high-stakes pressure of the legal profession can make it worse.

I entered law school in 1987, having already been through a severe depressive episode in college. Therapy had helped me get back on my feet, and my first year of law school went relatively smoothly. But in my second year, depression began creeping in again. By my third year, it hit with full force.

Imagine waking up one morning with an invisible weight pressing you down – a black cloud that settles over everything. The hobbies and friendships that once brought joy now feel exhausting. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to talk to friends. I didn’t even want to go on dates with my husband. Getting off the couch felt impossible.

Eventually, I had to take a semester off. I returned to therapy and began seeing a psychiatrist for medication options. Slowly, I stabilized, returned to school, graduated and passed the bar. But depression has never completely left me. Over the years, I’ve faced multiple severe episodes, each with its own challenges.

WHAT DEPRESSION FEELS LIKE

If you’ve never experienced depression, let me try to explain what it’s like for me: It can appear without warning. I might be having a good month – or even a good year – and then, overnight, dread takes hold. My thoughts turn dark:

"You’re not good enough."
"You’ll mess this up."
"Nothing will ever get better."

Physically, I ache. My muscles hurt. I’m tired all the time. I want to sleep, but rest never feels refreshing. Everything – brushing my teeth, answering an email, cooking dinner – feels like walking through wet cement.

It’s more than sadness. It’s a deep, unshakable sense that there’s no way forward. In my worst moments, I’ve understood why people consider ending their lives –not because they want to die but because they desperately want the pain to stop.

THE WAY THROUGH

One of the posters in my office says, “The only way out is through.” That phrase has carried me more times than I can count.

Here are some of the tools and resources that have helped me – resources I want every lawyer to know exist.

Therapy

Therapy can teach you coping skills, emotional regulation and ways to reframe destructive thought patterns. There are many effective approaches:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) – focuses on identifying and changing unhelpful thinking patterns
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) – teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance and emotional regulation
• Psychodynamic therapy – explores the roots of emotional patterns

Where to start. If you’re an Oklahoma attorney, call the confidential Lawyers Helping Lawyers Assistance Program hotline at 800-364-7886. They partner with A Chance to Change to provide six free therapy sessions – no connection to the Oklahoma Bar Association and completely private. If you’re outside Oklahoma City, they can connect you with a therapist in your area.

Medication

Sometimes, depression is caused or worsened by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Antidepressants can be life-changing. While many primary care doctors prescribe them, I recommend seeing a psychiatrist – someone who specializes in mental health and knows the full range of medications available. Your therapist can often refer you.

Support Groups

You don’t have to do this alone. Sharing your story and hearing from others who understand can reduce shame and provide hope.

• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) – offers in-person and online groups nationwide
• Lawyers Helping Lawyers support groups – monthly groups (general and women’s) in Oklahoma City and Tulsa for attorneys dealing with mental health or substance use challenges

Crisis Support

If you are having suicidal thoughts or can’t guarantee your own safety, please seek help immediately. This is not weakness – it’s courage. Options include:

• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline – call or text 988 (24/7, free and confidential)
• In-patient psychiatric care – a safe, structured environment where you can stabilize, receive therapy and learn coping skills

WHY I’M SHARING THIS

Depression is an illness – just like heart disease or cancer. It’s not a character flaw. And there is no shame in seeking help.

I have lived through the darkness and have made it out on the other side – more than once. I am proof that even when depression feels endless, it can be treated. You can heal. You can find joy again.

If you’re struggling, please reach out. Talk to a friend. Call Lawyers Helping Lawyers. Join a support group. Make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist. Do something today that gets you one step closer to the light.

Because the only way out ... is through.

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HELPFUL RESOURCES

National

• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine: Call 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 62640 (Monday-Friday, 9 a.m.-9 p.m.)
• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: www.dbsalliance.org

Oklahoma-Specific

• Lawyers Helping Lawyers Assistance Program: 800-364-7886 – six free, confidential therapy sessions
• A Chance to Change: www.achancetochange.org

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ann Murray is a member of the Board of Directors for the Lawyers Helping Lawyers Foundation. She is currently employed as the central region administrator for Child Support Services, a division of Oklahoma Human Services. On Sundays, Ms. Murray serves as a priest in the Episcopal Church. In all her endeavors, she works to erase the stigma associated with mental illness.

 

 

 

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ENDNOTES

[1] https://bit.ly/43jf2aB.

[2] https://bit.ly/4oSqOkv.