Just for Fun
By Jeff Nix
Given the two choices, working on some important law thing or looking for humor, I chose the latter. The AT&T Real Yellow Pages December 2007 issue actually features the headings below. Obviously the yellow pages are laid out by a spacing formula with no editing for irony. Here are some real headings...the accompanying commentary is fictional. Enjoy.
Buildings-Burglar...They advertise?
Burglar-Bus...We take the
8:17 south, burgle, come back on the 9:27...
Christmas-Churches...For those who just go that once a year
Clothing-Clowns...You know who you are
Credit-Cremation...Overuse of a credit card
Document-Dog...Rover, fetch me that Wiggins agreement
Drainage-Drinking...Lie under the beer keg and open the spigot
Drywall-Ear...Covered by worker’s comp?
Fire-First...Fire, Ready, Aim...
Fish-Fitness...Doesn’t all that swimming work?
Foods-Forklift...Sign your portions might be too big
Garage-Garbage...That old Ford Pinto
Granite-Grass...Lasts forever, never needs mowing
Hair-Handyman...Hey...he’s a “barber.”OK?
Helium-Hobby...Balloon animals
Hose-Hospice...Come on — it’s a hose already
Laser-Laundries...Now that’s clean
Lawn-Leather...John Deere chaps and vest
Liquor-Loans...A sign you might have a problem
Margarita-Marriage...Won’t last past the hangover
Money-Monuments...That bright yellow Hummer
Monuments-Mortgages...Payments on that bright yellow Hummer
Needlework-Novelties...Velvet Elvises?
Optometrist-Overhead...What you are paying on every visit
Oxygen-Packaging...Fancy name for “balloon”
Personal-Pest...Jiminy Cricket
Pest-Pet...Jiminy Cricket’s trained flea
Pizza-Plastic...How you pay Domino’s?
Plumbing-Police...Sir, just drop that plunger and step back
Police-Poultry...K-9
Chicken
Safety-Sand...Right under the Jungle Jim
Sausages-School...You don’t want to know
Skin-Snow...Dandruff
Sod-Sound...”Plop”...wet sod sound, “splat”
Tattooing-Tax...For making us look at those stupid things
Tax-Taxicabs...Take you right to H&R Block, and it’s deductible
Teeth-Telephone...Hard to dial — won’t catch on
Termite-Thrift...Set aside a 2x4 for a rainy day
Transmission-Trapper...Speed bump
Trash-Travel...Plaid shorts, striped tank top, flip flops
Wedding-Weight...25 pounds less than now
Weight-Welding...That cream pie and your thighs
Wood-Wrecker...Termite
Youth-Zoos...Featuring the “Saggy Pantsed Sullen Teen” and the “Brain Dead Texter”
Mr. Nix practices in Tulsa.
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